I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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