Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
