Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
