eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
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Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
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They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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