We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
