I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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