so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
