so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
