I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
