dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
