if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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