oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
