You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
