Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We had to coat check the pizza.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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