I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
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I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
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just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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