Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
