if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
The uberlube is also flammable
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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