I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
