I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
