I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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