I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
