I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
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eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
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We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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