The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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