I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
