I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
