I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
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Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
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I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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