If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
