At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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