everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
that may or may not have been my penis.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
