I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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