Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just found puke in my bra..
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
