Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
