I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
