If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
