I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
