booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
this will be a night to untag.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
