No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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