Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
