Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You work out of a Hotel?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Randomize
