Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
