Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize