watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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