Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
