We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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