Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
