fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Sorry my hands just texted you
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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