We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
All I want is dick and wine.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
