The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
