someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
