plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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