We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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