dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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