if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
