I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
