Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
